@fridge246 is an amazing beta, and also brought to my attention that Sheetz doesn’t really exist outside of the eastern USA. It’s just a gas station/convenience store, with occasional designs at being a cafe.
[theme music plays]
[camera zooms out from art of TAAKO and BARRY side-by-side, with TAAKO holding a fantasy microphone]
[cut to TAAKO and BARRY sitting in what looks to be an ordinary workspace in a room with walls made of swirling black mist]
TAAKO
Live
from the Raven Queen’s court in the atmospheric Ghosty-Ghost Hunter
dimension, it’s Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz. It’s ch’boy and host,
Taako from TV! And with me today is my special guest, Barold Bluejeans.
[TAAKO points his fantasy microphone to BARRY.]
BARRY
You can, um, just say co-host. I’m here every time, and this is my office we’re filming—
TAAKO
Greet the audience, Barry. Be professional.
BARRY
Oh, um, hey. But, I really don’t see why you can’t just say I’m—
TAAKO
[crosstalk]
That’s right, m’dudes! The most popular food-review quiz show in the
entire planar system, brought to you by the go-to expert on good
eats—hello, it’s Taako. And also featuring the guy who will never be
co-host, because he thinks grilled salmon in olive butter pairs well
with chardonnay, and tried microwaving his almond milk cereal.
vulcan naming conventions are inconsistent, but the surakian tradition is generally two-syllable names, men’s s____k, women’s t’p___. so, yeah, t’pose is a completely reasonable english transliteration of a traditional vulcan woman’s name
to expand on this a little, the original memos actually say that vulcan mens’ names should be five letters, s???k. this is where you get “shrek is a vulcan name” discourse.
however, that doesn’t really scan. vulcan names aren’t meant to be written with the latin alphabet, after all, and vulcan script looks like this —
— if you can find anything that’s clearly a letter here, never mind delineating five of them, you’re a better man than me.
rather, i’d like to suggest the typical transliteration of a vulcan man’s personal name will most likely fit a {C}CVC.vc format, transliterated S[VC.v]k, assuming a traditionally minded family as well as modernity not fucking with pronunciation too much—remember young diot coke, born 1379? her name written today would probably be denise cook.
assume for a moment that surak is a good example of a traditional name; sarek, then, is uncorrupted in modernity. [ˌsʊɹˈʌk] and [ˌsaɹˈɛk], i guess? ipa will be the death of me one day and i’m absolute shit at vowels. but both of these names are S[VC.v]k, if you’ll accept some very ad hoc use of standard symbols.
there are names that don’t fit this model, though. spock; tuvok; stonn. we’ll throw shrek in here too.
tuvok is the easiest one to consolidate, of course: CCVC.vc, and the name [ˌstʊvˈɒk] drops its /s/ over time to simply [ˌtʊvˈɒk]
spock, stonn, and shrek are single-syllable, five-letter romanizations. immediately a problem becomes apparent, though; spock’s romanized /ck/ is the same as what is elsewhere romanized simply /k/ — the generalization of {C}CVC.vc as “five letters” throws off what would otherwise be romanized as “spok”; similarly, stonn is… presumably not displaying gemination, as romanizations typically drop it (see óðinn -> odin or the names of the dwarves in lotr for examples of consonant reduplication denoting gemination being dropped); as such we should probably see his name romanized as “ston”.
spock and stonn, normalized as spok and ston, are both CCVC. shrek is CCVC as well; remember /sh/ is /ʃ/ in ipa. so you have, in order, [spɒk], [stɒn], and [ʃɹɛk].
i would argue that spock and shrek are names which, over time, experienced vowel reduction; they’re not invalid names, they simply aren’t the original forms of them. diot and denise.
spock, then, would be derived from the name [ˌsʊpˈɒk]. the vowel loses prominence until it’s no longer pronounced at all, or only barely pronounced.
possibly this is due to a slight complication of the guidelines; not simply {C}CVC.vc, but {C}C’VC.vc. that is, not [ˌsʊɹˈʌk] but [ˌs’ʊɹˈʌk]; not [ˌsaɹˈɛk] but [ˌs’aɹˈɛk]. [ˌst’ʊvˈɒk] becomes [ˌt’ʊvˈɒk]*, and spock maybe originally was [ˌs’ʊpˈɒk].
see, /p/ really loves turning into /p’/; it probably happens in your speech all the time. so [ˌs’ʊpˈɒk] maybe gets functionally pronounced as [ˌs’ʊp’ˈɒk], and that’s a lot of ejectives in one syllable, so down the line it becomes simply [sp’ɒk].
shrek experiences a similar, but not identical, vowel reduction, with the likely protoform [ˌʃ’ʊɹˈɛk] becoming [ʃ’ɹɛk].
stonn is a bit of an odd case, obviously, as it doesn’t end in /k/ at all. i might argue that it’s diminuitive; like naming your kid joe or joey instead of joseph, you might name your kid [st’ɒn] instead of [ˌst’ɒnˈɛk]. this may be especially common if it’s typical vulcan pronunciation is actually [st’ɒŋ] and indicative of a dialect shifting word-final /k/ to /ŋ/; in a dialect where [ˌst’ɒŋˈɛk] is being pronounced [ˌst’ɒŋˈɛŋ] anyway, fuck your _# /ŋ/, who needs it? thus, stonn still feels complete as a name despite technically being a diminuitive.
*note that ipa /t’/ and the element /t’/ in traditional vulcan women’s names are not the same thing; /t’/ designates what in ipa is written /tʔ/ or /t’ʔ/. t’pose is [tʔpoʊz] or [t’ʔpoʊz] and, structurally, i suppose, C’.CCVC, where women’s names are likely constructed C’.CC{C}V{_C}; that is, T’P[{C}V{_C}], allowing t’pau ([t’ʔpaʊ]), t’pring ([t’ʔpɹɪŋ]), t’pose ([t’ʔpoʊz]).
if none of that made any sense, don’t worry, it’s not you it’s that ipa is the actual worst. the tl;dr is basically,
traditional—that is, common and to some degree often culturallyexpected—vulcan men’s personal names are usually (but not necessarily always) derived from a pattern where there are two syllables; the stress is on the first syllable, which starts with ejective S or S and another ejective consonant, has a vowel sound, and then ends with another consonant; the second syllable starts with a vowel and ends with a K.
because of certain traits of languages as they change—a tendency for P to become ejective (“pop”), vowels to “weaken” over time, and the last K in a word to often become a kind of N(g) sound—i think it’s reasonable to say that “spock” is the modern version of a name you could transliterate as “supok”, “stonn” is a nickname for “stonek”, and “shrek” is a valid vulcan name but its original form was probably “sharek”.
additionally, because many names follow a pattern that goes “S, vowel, consonant, vowel, K”, a general rule that expects five-letter vulcan men’s names caused spock and stonn’s names to be spelled so that they would have five letters, despite an inconsistency with spelling rules which would in-universe suggest “spok” and “ston”, respectively.
This post was grating on my nerves with every pun. And then, then I read the caption. And I closed my eyes, thinking to myself I know I must deserve this hell. Now I know what it’s like for a post to physically pain me.
anyway i’m just incredibly peeved i must use my finite amount of energy trying and failing to make myself do stuff i don’t want to do
only to end up collapsing into an exhausted daze unable to do anything i DO actually want to do either because no energy …and i am technically still bound to do the other thing
for a overall product of no practical achievement or personal satisfaction whatsoever but abounding unpleasantness? of course, plenty of that! 😀